Well hello there chins, sucks to see you.So here we are in the third trimester. I’m still a little in denial that there’s going to be a baby here in three months. Like I think to myself, “Oh, when it gets warm I can go for jog on the trail in the afternoons Ellis is in school.” Then I remember that I’ll have a NEWBORN and will probably not be taking those boobs full of milk jogging ANYWHERE for at least a year. I’m also starting to wonder how the hell I’m going to juggle two kids. We have a routine people. What’s going to happen when that routine gets obliterated by a demanding NEWBORN? How will we all handle it? Plus what if she’s one of those nightmare baby’s? What if she’s colicky? What if she never sleeps ever? What if she doesn’t like to snuggle? Then I have moments where I just can’t wait to see what she looks like. I keep dreaming about her with brown hair and eyes, and I wonder if that’s what she’ll be like. I guess partly to combat these incessant, unanswerable what if’s, I’ve been dipping my big toe into learning about Buddhism. I wasn’t raised with any particular religion but Kent was and he feels strongly that our kids should have some basis of spirituality growing up. I’m finding myself surprised at how much I identify with many of the teachings I’m learning about. Who knows if I’ll stick with it, but so far this is something I’m finding peace in. And that is most welcome indeed.
1. Even though I’ve gained 30 pounds I can still button my pre weight loss pants. Although my pre weight loss shirts have me resembling Winnie the Poo.
a. Also I can still wear my wedding ring on days I’m not swollen.
2. I am barely getting to the gym, but getting there and doing my 30 is what counts right? I would say I’m averaging twice a week. It’s just hard to get motivated when you don’t see any physical results except even MORE fatigue. Although in general my energy level is light years better than when I don’t do anything.
b. I’m thinking of finding one of those 8 week fitness boot camps 3 months post partum. My thinking is that I’ll need some real motivation to work out when I’m sleep walking. i.e. major results real quick. What do you think? Am I crazy? Is three months out too soon to do something so intense?
3. I’m still up about 3 times a night to pee. I have been since the first trimester. Wasn’t that supposed to stop at some point?
4. I am eating like a frat boy on Spring Break.
5. My husband is working a heck of a lot at home after Ellis goes down. I’m glad he’s at least home to work, but I feel like we’re neglecting our marriage a bit.
6. I’m getting stretch marks very high on my belly but none down low.
7. My kid still won’t poop in the damn potty.
8. My kid’s fairy godmother got married last weekend. It was beautiful and moving, and she trusted me to take pictures of it. I’m thinking about turning it into a paying gig somehow, but struggling with how to market myself.
9. After writing Ellis’s 3 year letter I thought of about 4 thousand things I should have added. Like, the fact that he had a pirate party and we had a treasure hunt. We’ve all been playing pirates for weeks now.
10. There are only 95 days until my due date and most days I still can’t believe I’m pregnant. How did all of this happen so fast?
11. Please feel free to oooh and aww over my kid in his “spy suit” at the wedding.
I just spent 10 minutes trying in vein to get the mascara out from under my eyes only to realize that it wasn’t mascara, but my actual dark circles. Fantastic.
Warning: if you’re not in the mood for self indulgent introspection skip to the end for a lighter pregnancy update. ********************************************************************************************************
It took me about 20 weeks to feel any connection at all with this life inside of me. I don’t like admitting that, and I liked how it felt even less. This led to about 20 weeks of trying to figure out the reason why I didn’t feel any connection. Was it because I didn’t have the 10 week ultra sound where I could see the baby with arms and legs and such? Was it because I was so distracted my Ellis this time around? Was it because it was such a surprise to get pregnant so quickly? Was it because I wasn’t ready to give up my body to another person yet? With Ellis I felt a connection from the moment I took that pregnancy test. All of my spare time was spent happily preparing for his arrival, and enjoying, soaking in even, being pregnant. Those first twenty weeks with Iris were the polar opposite of that.
The conclusion I’ve come to is this: I (well, we Kent and I) have been through some serious extremes in the last three years. We had Ellis, we had to give up our house. We moved to our dream town, Kent lost his job. All the while wading through the murky quick sand that is A Very Large Amount Of Debt. Before Ellis, my adult life had been ridiculously easy and happy. I had no reason not to trust that this is the way life would work out for me. There were challenges, sure. There was loss, and disappointment, but none of it fell outside the realm of what I expected life to throw at me. These last three years I have been dealing with shit I never could have even imagined I would be dealing with. Not in 4 million years. These last three years have sucker punched my ability to trust that everything will eventually turn out fine, better even, than I might have imagined.
Last night I found myself laying in bed not sleeping (does this happen to you when you’re pregnant?) and I came to the realization that this inability to trust is why there wasn’t a connection with this new life inside of me. Having Ellis makes it impossible to live one minute without the realization of what I would lose if I lost this baby. Having been sucker punched by life was making it impossible for me to trust that she would be born a healthy, happy baby. So I turned off the connectors. I shut that part of myself down until I could trust that everything will turn out OK.*
That turning point came as I was watching her practice her sucking reflex at the ultrasound. I’m surprised I didn’t start lactating right then and there. Seeing her two legs, two arms, perfectly formed little body allowed me to relax a little. I bought some baby clothes**, got the crib out of storage, bought a mini co-sleeper (half price!) and little by little I am able to trust more that she; that all of us will be fine, better even, than I imagine.
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Today marks my 26th week. That’s one week away from viability! And two weeks away from the dreaded Last Trimester of bloat and uncomfortablness. We took a tour of the hospital at my last appointment and it got me so excited! It’s such a great facility. Even though they’ll have to have a baby monitor hooked up to me during labor I’ll still be able to get into the bath (in the room!) and walk around and all that stuff if I need to. (I saw The Business Of Being Born recently and was freaked out about the hospital, but no more!) Also if anything goes horribly wrong (which I think is a .33% chance in a VBAC) there are two OR’s on the same floor and corridor as the birthing rooms so it will nice and quick getting me onto the table. Which is not going to happen anyway right?It’s a weird place to be in, this second time mom, first time laborer place. I never even had one contraction with Ellis so I’m nervous about what will happen. In my 25th week I measured 26, my blood pressure was perfect, and her heartbeat was too. I’ve gained a whopping 30 pounds already. My belly is starting to get in the way but I still have enough energy to go to the gym (and still find it enjoyable, somehow). I continue to be really tired, but I’m beginning to think that not seeing the sun for 4 weeks straight might have more to do with that than the pregnancy. Next month I’ll meet with the OB who would be performing my c-section in an emergency. It’s so nice that they do that for you. My experience with the midwives has been beyond my expectations. I could barely get my Dr. on the phone last time. The midwives have someone there to answer questions 24 hours a day. I feel comfortable talking through concerns and asking questions that I never felt OK about asking last time. I highly recommend midwives is what I’m saying.
Oh one last thing. A few weeks ago we figured out that the filter in our heater hadn’t been changed since 2003. We changed it and none of us have been sick since. I don’t even want to think about what I was breathing in. Yuck!
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*This shutting down of my connectors (or protecting my vulnerable self if you will) has not been limited to the baby by any means. It’s ugly fingers have inched their way into every facet of my life. I will be glad to see the disappear.
**I opened the dresser today and saw that I only have 2 items that aren’t pink, and you know what my first thought was? ”Oh my God, Auntie Andrea would be appalled.” Ha!
Ellis, Yesterday you turned 3 years old. When you were first born I wrote about how much you were changing and all the new things you were doing each month. I did this for both of us. So that your dad and I can have a vivid reminder of you at that time, and so that you could read about yourself if you ever choose to. I didn’t stop this exercise for lack of material. But rather because there is so much more to you than I could ever fit into a few paragraphs. You are still growing, learning, and changing every day and in miraculous ways. But those changes are more subtle, and more numerous. So today I will do my best to sum up who you are today, at “free years old”.You are hilarious. You make me laugh all day, and you love it when you get my funny bone. You say silly things like “you should always eat poopy diapers”. Your favorite joke to tell is “knock knock. who’s there? Ach. Ach who? bless you!” And you sometimes get your feelings hurt if we don’t laugh. Today you said “I’m going to eat healthy, and healthy, and healthy until I’m a man.” (we’ve been trying to explain to you why you can’t have cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.)You are a ball of energy, just like your dad. Most of the time you’re bouncing, or running, or chasing the dogs, or riding your bike if it’s sunny. The only time we can get you to sit still is to watch Noggin and even then you usually choose to stand around or climb on the furniture during a show. We still have morning snuggles, but they’re getting shorter and shorter in duration (much to my chagrin).You love babies. This was true even before we thought about having another child. Any time there’s a baby in the YMCA child care, you are all about helping and playing with that baby. You have a special baby voice that you use, and any time you hear a baby crying when we’re out and about you like to try to figure out why. You usually go through the list I’ve taught you. Is the baby hungry? Tired? Dirty or wet? But usually you come to the conclusion that what that baby really needs is to play. You are learning to write letters. Of your own accord you decided to learn how to write an X, and you just keep on adding new letters to your repertoire. You can identify all the capitol letters, and your name. You like to sing the alphabet in your own special order and usually end the song with something silly like “next time won’t you wear a hat”. You are beginning to really enjoy arts and crafts. Even though you don’t sit still for too long, you’re showing an interest in making art. I’ve been waiting a long time for this day! The last time we were at the children’s museum we spent most of the time in the art area and YaYa even showed you how to make a pasta necklace.You are incredibly inquisitive. We’re still in the “why” stage, but now you don’t use it as your default response to anything we say. You’re more thoughtful and really want to know the answers to things. One big one is what is alive and what is not. When we drive down the street you’ll ask “is a mailbox alive” ”are trees alive” and so on. You want to know everything. I try hard to have all the answers, but many times I just don’t know.You call us mom and dad instead of mommy and daddy. But you’re still a mama’s boy. The other day after your cupcake party at school was canceled because of the flooding, you and I had our own party. A few hours later I told youMe: “I love you buddy” Ellis: “I love you too mom. You know what that candle made me wish for?”Me: “What?”Ellis: “You” You say sweet things like this all the time. You are very sensitive and sweet, and still a little shy around big groups of kids. But school has helped you find your voice, and speak up when you need something from someone. (well other kids, you’ve never had a problem asking for what you need at home). There are a million other little details I’m leaving out, but I think that picture up there captures your spirit. You’re my silly little monkey bear. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. You enrich every minute of every day we share together, and I am so thankful that you chose me to help guide you on your journey. I love you so much,Mom
Couldn’t be bothered to apply make up for this one. Frightening isn’t it.
All the f-ing snow is melting along with a helluva lot of rain falling is causing serious flooding all over Washington. Why should you care? Because I spent two hours making 24 cupcakes for a pre-school celebration of my sons third birthday last night. A celebration he’s been excitedly talking about and looking forward to for a week. This morning they called to tell me that the school is CLOSED today because of all that f-ing flooding. When I told Ellis they closed school he was SO disappointed. He said “Why did they close the school? Was it because of my birthday?” And then my heard broke into four billion pieces. He’s over it now, of course, while my heart is still sore at the sight of his reaction.
I’m badly needing to find time to sit down and write about this pregnancy and everything else. But the snow has melted and even though we won’t see the sun for at least 10 more days, at least we’re getting out of the house. I hope you all had a lovely holiday. I am so very thankful to have you in my life!
