I have a sore throat and stuffy head. It takes me 5 minutes to recover from climbing the stairs, I have so little energy. Ellis has a runny nose but still has about 60% of his almost-3 energy which is about 150% more than I have on a normal day. All I want to do is lay in bed under the covers, drink tea and watch Gilmore Girl re-runs. Instead I’m desperately trying to find new/non violent/at least vaguely educational children’s television and finding new and bribey ways to get Ellis to lay down with me and watch it. The kid needs to expend some energy and I have zero to help him. In short. It’s going to be a LONG few days.
It’s Ellis’s first trip to the midwife. I’m lying on the table with the doppler on my belly. We hear the first few thumps of the heartbeat and I hear a little voice piping up from the floor below.
Ellis: I hear Tiny’s heartbeat!
I’m not sure how he know what it was, but it was so sweet to hear him say those words.
If I wear pants a size too small at just the right height and sit down, I can feel the baby moving around. This makes me very, very happy.
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Thank you guys so much for your input. I am digesting it and rolling it around in my brain, and it’s helping me to feel better.
Tonight at the dinner table Ellis came around to my chair and asked to sit in my lap. I tried to pull him up but found there wasn’t enough room. I tried to scoot the chair back and slammed it into the wall before I could get enough room. Getting frustrated, I pushed the table away saying “Ug! This table isn’t in the right spoooooo-oooh. Right. The table hasn’t moved, it’s my gigantic belly.” And then I laughed along with Kent on the outside and cried a little on the inside.
So many of you, my lovely and amazing mommy friends in real life and internet life are working mom’s. I’ve never had one negative thought about this fact. Your kids are amazing, your lives are fulfilling, and you are happy.
So why the hell am I so scared to take this plunge and go back to work? I know there are many positives about being a working parent, but my brain is so fucked up from the stress of these last few years I am having a hard time being rational about it.
My request is twofold. Please, my lovelies, help me. First tell me all of the positive aspects of working full time. Second, tell me why it is I’m having such a hard time with this (I’m looking at you Drew, Des, Cheri; you guys know me better than anyone).
One more thing, because of my delicate state I’ll ask that you be honest, but gentle with me.
Jesus I wonder if this post is going to get deleted within the hour.
I’m checking email while Ellis is playing blocks, he says:
E: I already asked you to play blocks. I don’t want you to argue with me when I ask you to play.
You may have noticed that little badge over there on the right that says I am participating in Bossy’s Poverty Party. For me, this is a little less preventative than it is imperative. In the last (almost) 3 years since I stopped working we have wracked up a lot of debt (the least of which is credit card). I’ll spare you (and my husband) all the details, but suffice it to say, the time has come to assess the damage and figure out what the hell to do about it.
Steps I have taken this week are to pull my credit report to see what’s on it (huzzah the score wasn’t as terrible as I thought, although still pretty terrible). I’ve also pulled together any notices I’ve received in the mail. But the biggest step by far I’ve taken is to call about my student loans. This required me to face two of my biggest phobias 1. the phone and 2. the possibility that the person on the other end will be a judgmental ass hole. While the phone thing will always suck, the person I spoke with could not have been more understanding and respectful and just plain nice.
I have to tell say doing something feels SO MUCH BETTER than worrying and fretting and hiding from the unknown. I hope I can continue to face these fears and pull my shit together.
Obviously a job would help. No bites so far.
Ellis week 20:
Tiny week 13:
I’m not going to say anything profound here, but it’s been really bothering me the way these “economic experts” keep vilifying the recipients of home loans they can’t now afford. There have to be millions of people who, like Kent and I, had stable jobs, reliably high income, and mediocre credit which allowed them to buy homes. Then, because this economy has actually been slowing down for the past few years, and the price of food and gas and clothing have been creeping up, and maybe their salary has been cut so now they, like Kent and I were, are in a very, very tough situation. Salaries aren’t going up. So where is the money supposed to come from? How are people supposed to make ends meet? What’s going to give?
Millions of others really weren’t a great candidate for such a substantial loan, but when they saw someone willing to take a chance on them, they jumped at it. These people weren’t just sold homes, they were sold hope. They were sold the promise that they were just as worthy as all those other people who own homes. Because that’s how we tend to evaluate peoples value in our society, firstly by how they look, secondly by what they own/have. People were sold the idea that someone out there had faith that they could better their lives. Because that’s what our culture says about owning a home. Owning home = a better life.
Now while that dream is coming crashing down around them, not only do they have to suffer the disillusion of that ultimate dream, they have to suffer through being vilified by the media. And everyone, everyday is reminding them that they were never worthy in the first place. And no one is helping them. And no one seems to care.
And what a fat lot of nerve our government has. What a beacon of leadership, with it’s trillions of dollars of debt that we’re going to have to shoulder on top of our own personal debt. This entire situation sickens me.
Canadian things for which I am thankful:
Maply Syrup
Corner Gas
Vancouver BC in general
Jason Priestly
Ellis’s Godmother
Hockey
And so much more…
To celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving, have a listen to my all time favorite This American Life. You can thank me later.
