Kathryn. Real.

After the cross country move a year and a half ago we had many boxes that we just never got around to unpacking.  They sat in the storage unit out back gathering dust, and we never really thought about what was back there.  But since I’m unpacking everything else now, I thought I’d dig through some of those as well, so we can donate what we don’t want instead of having it sit in this place gathering dust.  My point is, earlier this week I unpacked a breast pump.  Ellis was fascinated by it and it was keeping him occupied so I let him play with it while I unpacked a few boxes in the kitchen.  It was a jet plane, then a rocket ship, maybe even a boat.  Then he got curious and asked me what it really was.  So I told him it’s a machine that gets milk out of mommies body’s for their baby.  After the 40 unavoidable “why mommy?  why?” questions, he dropped it and kept playing.  Then Kent came up the stairs and asked him what he was playing with he said, while putting a suction cup to his bum; “It’s for mommies to get milk out of their bottom’s for their babies.”

Then today at the playground I was on the phone with my brother while Ellis was playing (which is very hard for me to do, but Kent and I are trying to be better about not hovering, and letting him try things on his own).  A couple of tween age boys were crawling around on top of the tubes and such, as they sometimes do.  Suddenly with my sonic mom ear I heard one of them say something which sounded like “nice tits”.  From the other boys reaction, I think he actually said something else, but it sounded like “nice tits” and that was the funniest thing these boys had ever heard.  Their laughter caught Ellis’ attention so he did what he usually does and tried to make them laugh again by saying what they had said.  They thought that was even funnier and started to try to get him to say it again.  It’s at that point that I felt like enough was enough and hung up the phone and went over to correct the behavior of all three of them.  (that’s not an appropriate thing to say, especially on the playground, bla, bla, jeez I’m old.  Honestly, I think it was pretty funny too.)  They were sufficiently apologetic and pretty embarrassed.    But there you have it, my two year old son’s first introduction to breast slang was at the playground.  Figures.

Are you reading this too?  I’m starting to learn and acknowlege so much about myself after hearing it “verbalized” by someone else.

#1 Perfectionism is NOT about striving to be your best. It’s NOT about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we’ll escape the pain of criticism, ridicule, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us, when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.

#3 Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is key to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism doesn’t lead to success. It’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis. Life-paralysis includes all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line.

I have about 3,000 pictures of the view from our new rental, but no time to upload them yet.  I’ll probably take a picture of every room partly because I really love the house and partly because I feel like I’m here because of you guys and I want to share it with you.  Half the garage is still full of boxes but all of the furniture is in place and all the essentials are unpacked so I’m taking a break.  I had only been inside this house twice before we moved, and honestly wasn’t sure how it would fit us.  I wouldn’t have cared if it wasn’t perfect, because it has a roof and has a view, and a huge beautiful yard, and hello, they accepted our application, and did I mention the roof? (by the way they know about all of the animals, that’s not a mistake I will make again, but honestly how often does a landlord find out about a pet and freak out like that? But I digress…) 

Here’s the thing.  All of our stuff fits beautifully.  The move has been seamless.  Even the cable/Internet was up and running smoothly the day after moving in.  It’s larger than our old house, it has a thousand loving touches put in by the gentleman who lived here (we’re renting from his children who are my mom’s age).  You know how when you’re getting to know a house, you’ll say “Oh, I wish that X was right there, because it would make Y so much easier.”  Every time I’ve said those words I’ve looked around to find the solution already there, usually having been lovingly crafted in the wood shop in the basement.   I don’t know, it just feels like this was meant to be somehow.

More things which are making me vibrate with gratitude:

1. There is a deer family who live in and around our backyard.   We’ve seen each member by now, including two adorable spotted fawn.  They walk right beside the house and we’ve seen them every day since we moved in.

2. It is so bright, even in the basement.  In our old house I had to turn the lights on in the living room even mid day.

3. The deck is so huge we could open a small restaurant out there.

4. The view, the view, the view.  We’ll be able to see the fireworks from our house this July 4th (you can even see a peak of the water from my room in the basement).

5. We met our next door neighbor yesterday, she looks like she’s my age, she has a two and a half year old boy, and she nanny’s kids out of her house.

Breath in, breath out, pinch self.

If you happen to be a stress eater, and you are home alone packing for the MOVE OF STRESS, STRESS AND MORE STRESS which is happening early the next morning, do not under any circumstances turn on Tylers Ultimate (mac-n-cheese edition for fuck’s sake) for background noise.  You’re welcome.

Ellis is watching Noggin while I get dressed after a shower.  It’s one of those musical interludes and the song is about loving your arms, legs, skin, etc. and being happy that you’re a part of the human race.  Ellis promptly begins running from one end of the room to the other singing Human Race! Human Race! Human Race! I WIN!!!!

Officially overwhelmed in 5……………………4………………….3………………..2………………………..SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some day, many years from now I’ll be busily going about my day, maybe in a meeting, maybe lunching with a friend, maybe walking around an outdoor market in Italy, and the unsuspecting person(s) with will ask me a simple one word question:

Why?

After which I will be plummeted into a flashback brought on by PTSD (Post Toddler Stress Disorder) and I will unleash on that person what I managed to hold inside for several long toddler years: OHMYFUCKINGGOD IDON’TFUCKINGKNOWWHY OK?!!!! I. DON’T. KNOW. WHY.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND SANITY STOP ASKING ME WHY AFTER EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE THAT COMES OUT OF MY MOUTH.

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The house we’re moving into on Saturday has a giant deck off of the living room from which you can see the bay.  The owners have been working on it, replacing some old wood and the like, and fell behind schedule.  So there is no railing around it, and it’s 1 story above the ground.   Just when I thought things were finally going to run smoothly, life throws another curve ball.  WHHHHYYYYYY????

We’re moving on Saturday.  Guess what?  We’re hardly packed.  Isn’t that always how it goes?  As such you might not be hearing from me very often in the next couple of weeks.  But don’t worry, I’m good.  Really good actually.  For the first time in a long time.  I’m scared about this new chapter of our lives (new home, new jobs, new posibilities), but also excited about it’s potential.

Below are three things I really, really wish I had the time to chew on and write about, but realize I won’t get that time so please enjoy these bullets instead.

*Last night Kent and I were watching a movie about a woman having a nervous breakdown.  About 20 minutes into it, just before she starts breaking olive jars in the grocery store, we looked at each other and Kent said “we have totally had a nervous breakdown, haven’t we.”  It’s really good to feel like we might be on the other side of that now.

*I just finished reading The Shell Game.  It’s been a while since I was a regular news junkie (two and a half years to be exact) and I have to admit that while I’ve heard that gas and food are going up and am beginning to feel the impact of that in my everyday life, I’ve never taken the time to understand how or why we got here.  While the book is fiction it’s wrapped in a fairly accurate history lesson that has me questioning how much I take for granted, and motivated to make real changes in how I live day to day.  For example, I have not used the car since Friday, choosing instead to bike around town.  (granted, it’s finally sunny here and choosing to do that will be much harder when the cold and rain comes again in two very, very, very short months)  I highly recommend the book even if you’re not interested the history of it because first and foremost it’s a fun read if a bit predictable.

*Ellis is in this fabulous phase where he’s demonstratively loving to both Kent and I.  We’ll be just walking around the grocery store and all the sudden he’ll kiss my hand and say “I love you mommy”.  He does these things all the time, and I swear it’s like crack.  Knowing that such an incredibly sunny, optimistic, happy, intelligent, thoughtful little monkey of a kid came from me blows me away.  It’s an incredible honor to be his mother.  On the way to the park yesterday he said “Oh man!  What a great day for the park!”  He says these kinds of things all day, I’m going to have to start jotting them down lest I forget them.

OK, I’m off to pack the rest of my closet.

For the last few weeks, on top of all the other stuff we’ve had going on, Kent has been interviewing at the company where he’s been contracting for almost a year.  I’ve been afraid to mention it because I didn’t want to jinx it.  This week, his background check finally came back free and clear and he will be officially working there starting Monday.  It’s been a long and uncertain year and paying for health insurance on our own has sucked big fat donkey butt.  Kent has been working his ass off, doing amazing things, and impressing people right and left.  They actually created a new position with him in mind to fill it.  I’m so proud of him.  And very, very relieved.

Hooray for good news!!!

Ellis, Kent and I are watching a train video from the library for the 4 billionth time.  All of the sudden Ellis turns to us and says: “That must be the longest train I’ve ever seen in the whole world!”