Kathryn. Real.

Our landlord called yesterday. He’s putting the house on the market in March. Our lease isn’t up until June. Remember all those months I made you listen to me complain about how much it sucks to sell a house when you’re picking up after a small baby who can’t even crawl yet? Um, hi there old me, seems pretty easy now doesn’t it? Come a little closer so I can slap you.

Kent and my mother are telling me not to even worry about any of it.  I guess they’re right.  Technically it’s not my responsibility to help them sell this house especially when they can’t even wait for us to be out of it to put it on the market.  But I know how much it sucks not to be able to sell your house.   They rented it to us because it was on the market for a year with no takers.  And that sucks balls.

I just hope we can find somewhere as great as this place that we can really settle down in.  The house we’re in is OK, there are a lot of things I don’t like about it and I wouldn’t buy it without some major renovations; but the location is truly amazing.

I don’t want Ellis to be moving all the time.  Frankly, I don’t want to be moving all the time.  It feels like we’ve barely moved in and now we’re being forced out.  And that sucks.

So to sum up, my two year old is really good at leaving small toys and cheerios all over the house, the carpet needs cleaning, the house badly needs “staging” and I’m going to have to keep this house “show ready” when it’s not even me who’s going to benefit from the sale of the damn thing.

Woo hoo for the opportunity to find a house we like a little better, but one big middle finger to the process of moving again.

We’re playing his new favorite game, Barn.  He’s putting his train into the barn and trying to close it.  I say:

Me: You better not be too rough with it or it might break and we wouldn’t want that, because it’s like your favorite thing ever.

E: No it’s not.

Me: Oh no?  What’s your favorite thing ever?

E: Mommy is.

Dear Universe,

I am frustrated.  After years and years of searching for what I wanted to do with my professional life I finally feel like I’ve found my calling and it’s so close to being do-able.  The only thing standing in the way of my education is money.  Specifically old student loans that I can’t afford to pay off and the money needed to pay for the classes I want to take.  And Universe?  I’m officially asking for help here.  The student loans are a result of some broken promises, not my decision to flake on them.  It pisses me right off that this is something that’s holding me back right now.  There is one thing standing in my way.  One single thing.  I’d like that obstacle to be removed please.

Thank you,

Kathryn

So allow me to gripe a bit.

The kitchen sink is clogged beyond all hope.

I’m starting the second week of the running program and I HATE FUCKING RUNNING.  I wish I could give up, but I’m too stubborn.  I’m turning 30 in three months and I’ll be 30 pounds lighter by then if it’s the last thing I do (she says as she shakes her fist in the air).

I feel a both silly and extremely grateful that these are my complaints right now.

I’m contemplating going back to brown hair.  Any thoughts guys?  Maybe I’ll write into Hair Thursday.

Last night Ellis and I were playing school bus in the kitchen.  I was teaching him how to pull back on the bus, then let it go and watch it fly across the room.  We’d just watched it go pretty far and he jumped up and ran halfway to it when he turned around, ran back to me, threw his arms around my neck and hugged me tightly as he said Mommy, I love you so much.  Then he went right back to playing bus.

Am I the only one who spends the entire episode of Zaboomafoo trying to figure out which brother is cuter? Yes?

Mmmkay then, let’s just put this one behind us.

*Ellis calls him Markin.  He’s so smoochable when he does that.  Ellis, not Markin.  Jeez woman can you just shut up?

While waiting for the ferry a couple of weeks ago Kent, Ellis, YaYa, my Uncle Ron and his girlfriend Renee and I decided to  stop for an ice cream and coffee.  My two guys and I went into the only restroom in the place, a one stall bathroom which is right next to tables where people are eating.  There is no changing table so I’m trying to change Ellis’s diaper as he stands up. (DO! NOT! TOUCH! ANYTHING!)  Kent decides to make use of the facilities and when Ellis sees this (it’s just at eye level you know)  he shout/talks:

E: Daddy has a penis!  Daddy goes pee pee from his penis!

Me: Yes, that’s right, daddy has a penis.

E: Mommy doesn’t have a penis.

Me: You got it kiddo mommy doesn’t have one.

Later on at the table a couple walks in and sits at the table next to us.  Ellis sees them and shout/talks:

E: That guy has a penis!

Me: (blink, blink, blush)  That’s right Ellis, he does.

K: snicker, snicker

YaYa: HA HA HA HA HA

Uncle Ron: blink, blink smirk

Rene: HA HA HA HA HA

E: Uncle Ron has a penis!

E: (looks over at Rene’s long red hair then down at her crotch) Rene doesn’t!

My son turned two today. Remember this you guys? I honestly can’t think about my pregnancy and birth without thinking about how much it meant to me to share it with Nikki, Patrice, MissuzJ, Gwen, Lonna and all of you guys in the internet. It’s because of you that I felt like I had a support group when I didn’t feel comfortable going to all those crappy classes.

We had a great day today spending time with Ellis’s PawPaw and Granny Cay who flew in from Texas to spend time with him on his birthday. He has a party tomorrow at the Railway Museum in town, which is totally amazing. They let the kids run these huge electric trains as well as having loads of wooden Thomas tracks and small trains for the younger set. I’m sure I’ll be subjecting you to many pictures next week.

Kent and I have been prepping Ellis for a couple of weeks for his birthday because we were trying to ready him for letting go of his pacifier. Our chosen fairy tale is that when you turn two years old your pacifiers go to “papi-land”. For the last year or so we’ve only allowed him to have a pacifier when he’s sick or sleeping. But since he knew it was the end of the paci road he’s been asking for it more during the last couple of weeks. Still, today he was OK with not being given his paci because he was two, and his paci’s all went to papi-land. But tonight at bed time was another story.

He thrashed, he screamed, he tried every tactic in the book to stay awake. I finally gave in to his request for a bottle, and left it with him at my wits end. Of course when it was gone, he commenced screaming and thrashing again. I went into his room, pulled his covers over him and laid my head on his little tummy while I held his hands.

And he said “That feels better mommy”, then drifted off to sleep.

In that moment I wept for the sweetness of my son, thanked (again) whomever is responsible for bringing him into my life, and thought to myself, whatever badness this world might throw at me, I can handle it. I can do anything as long as my sweet little boy is in this world.

I love you my little man. Happy second birthday.

Last week I was sitting there watching Ellis play and fretting about how to “… reenter the work world making lots of money for little time and feel like what I was doing was worthwhile and not just the useless sucking of time away from my family” as Nicole so perfectly put it.  (seriously Nikki, it’s like you can read my mind sometimes)  It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a year or so.  I’ve been playing around with different ideas like selling my wares at the Farmers market, or having an in home day care, or going to work at night after Ellis is asleep.  Nothing felt right.  Nothing felt worth the effort.  Nothing incorporated my drive to give back to other people to help balance out the incredible amount of good fortune I’ve been given in this lifetime.

Then, as I was sitting there watching my son smash play-do into the carpet, the answer became incredibly, amazingly, crystal clear.  All of the sudden the clouds lifted, my brain went from muddled to calm, and in that moment I was sure that studying Chinese medicine is most definately what I should be doing.  I’d been asking for this clarity for some time so I can’t say it was a surprise as much as it was a relief.  In hind sight the only thing really holding me back was my disbelief that I have what it takes to be a doctor.  You know what though?  I really think I have the ability to do this thing.

I picked up a book on Chinese medicine during those months simply because it is fascinating to me. To learn about a system of thinking so completely different from the western idea of medicine, yet so sensible and whole that it seems to make much more sense in many ways is actually really fun.  I haven’t been so excited about studying anything since college when French took me into it’s arms and tongue kissed me, sinking me into a tumultuous love affair with the language and culture for going on 10 years now.  It feels really, really good to want to learn again.

My end goal is to be a full fledged Doctor of Chinese medicine and to practice acupuncture (or acupressure, not completely decided on that yet) and herbs by the time our fantasy second child is in kindergarten.  This is something that would allow me to set my own schedule around the kid(s).

There is a road block however.  Money.  Because of some unfortunate messiness with my student loans from my bachelors degree, the student loan route is closed to me for now.   I will need to come up with the money to pay for this education straight out, and we’re fresh out of extra.  This is why for now I’m going for the NCCAOM Certification which is relatively inexpensive (from what I can tell by the research I’ve done.)  It’s a start.  I’m trying really hard to let the how work itself out, and focus on the end result.

It’s a road that I know will not always be easy, and will have obstacles both real and imagined that I will be forced to overcome.  But it is my path.  Even if it’s one more thing to add to the list of “things I would never, ever do” that I eventually did.  see also marriage, child (subsection too immense to list), sewing, and enjoying science fiction. One way or another, the doctor will be in.