Kathryn. Real.

I haven’t had heartburn in almost two weeks. This is a huge thing. I’m feeling so great physically right now. I’ve got tons of energy, I’ve been taking better care of myself physically. This includes making myself shower/hair/makeup when Ellis naps. All of these things have me feeling so much better than I have in a long time.

On the other hand all of the emotional crap that I have stuffed down into myself rather than deal with it for the last 29 years has been released. I didn’t deal with most of it because it was either too scary, or too difficult. I don’t know how to deal with a lot of it without making some changes in my life. I’m not even sure of what changes I would make anyway.

I have found a way to deal with some of it though. Like putting myself first. The other day instead of putting off eating my own lunch for the benefit of everyone else, I did what I needed to do for me and ate. It was fine for everyone else, and it was a huge step for me. I found the perfect shade of red lipstick and I’ve been wearing it every day. Most of all though, I don’t spend my days with my brain occupied by what everyone else wants me to do. There are dishes in the sink and I know it will bother others if I leave them, but I would rather take the time to play with my son or even just blog. So that’s what I do, and, this is the big part; I don’t allow myself to feel sick to my stomach with the guilt of it. (although as I’m typing this I’m getting all paranoid that it’s being selfish)

For someone who is an habitual pleaser and compulsive nurturer this is a difficult thing. My first instinct is to do what everyone else wants me to do instead of to give any thought at all to what I want.

Here’s to baby steps.

Here’s something I never thought I’d say: Lately I’ve found myself missing certain things about Texas.

Watching the Cowboys football games. (WTF?  How did this happen?)  They don’t air them up here, and somehow the Sea-hawks just don’t do it for me.

Being few hours car ride from pretty much all of our family and friends.  While a day’s car ride here would be incredible scenery, it’s nice to be that close to those that you love, and nice to have a free place to stay when you get there.

Austin.  If we ever have to move back to Texas this is where we’ll be.

Living out loud.  This is something my brother and I talked about a lot when he was here.  Maybe it’s a south vs north thing, but people in the south are crazy.  They are loud and opinionated and fiery and friendly, and just, out there more.  People here are very much more reserved, and  hardly anyone talks to strangers, or even smiles at each other in passing.  They come across almost as judgmental.  Living out loud would be frowned upon.  It just gets worse if you get into Canada.  God forbid you have a lively discussion in public there lest you be dubbed Another Obnoxious American.

Mexican food.  No surprise here, it’s just not the same this far from the southern border.

Thunderstorms.  I think we’ve heard exactly two peals of thunder in the 9 months we’ve lived here.  I miss the crazy, get your kids into the storm cellar, we’re gonna blow off the prairie storms.

Glamour.  It’s all about nature here.  As much as I like a good hike, I would be lying if I said I am a bonafide nature girl.  I’ve tried, I wish I could be, but I’m just not.  I love a good lip stick, died hair and a pretty pair of shoes.  It makes me feel good, and that makes me feel more confidant.

It came as such a surprise to me that I miss these things.  This period of self discovery and contemplation I’ve found myself in has me finding out all kinds of surprising things about myself. Things which I had either forgotten, or not wanted to admit for a very long time (see not a nature girl).   Interesting stuff, important to be aware of, and more than a little bit scary.

The other day while making small talk with an acquaintance, they said “So, do you just stay home with your kid now?”  Yes.  I JUST stay home with my kid.  It’s such an easy job, really I don’t know why everyone isn’t doing it.  The long hours of watching Percy roll around the track, the limited adult interaction, the constant guilt that I might not be the perfect parent, the struggle to find fun things to do, the only being able to buy new jeans once a year.  That’s really all I do.  Just stay home trying to raise a child to be a contributing member of society who can have all he wants in the world.  Not such an important job really.

This attitude has been bothering me a lot lately.  There is a huge amount of talk about how stay at home moms are some sort of unsung heroes.  There is a huge amount of talk about how important a job it is.  But really?  Our society values dollars, not humans.  The unspoken message seems to be; oh how sweet, she gets to play house all day.  There is lip service played to the difficulties of essentally giving up ones social life, ones career, and ones self.   But no one really, really gets it except other stay at home moms.  Every person who asks me if I’m just a mom, then follows the question with well, what did you do before?  Like that role was the important one, that roll was the defining one.

If you complain about your day you’re met with scoffs, or brush offs.  Oh, yeah, what a terrible day you must have had playing with your kid.  How hard it must be to wipe his little butt.  At least you get to be with him all day, why are you so ungreatful?  You should be savoring every single little bugar because it will be gone in a flash.   Well you know what people?  This is hard.  It’s hard to do nothing but give of yourself all day, every day.  I give to Ellis until Kent gets home, then I give to Ellis and Kent.  I feel guilty if I take time for myself, but when I don’t I am not the best wife and mother I can be.  This. Is. Hard.

Your lot is hard too, I’m sure.  All I’m asking is that you don’t belittle my struggle.  Don’t dismiss my job.

I feel compelled to now write a few paragraphs about how magical this job is too, but you know what?  This whole blog is basically a tribute to that magic and writing a few paragraphs about the challenges shouldn’t negate that.  So there.

Untitled from katiemagic on Vimeo.

OK, obviously I’m not an expert.  Everyone needs to change their feed settings to katiemagic.com, so just take off the /blog and you should see all the newest updates.  I hope.

I’m a bit at a loss as to what to use for my tag-line. I keep watching movies, and waiting for some dialogue to inspire me but it all sounds kind of lame. So it’s your turn. Email me or put a suggestion in the comments. This means you too people who never comment but still read. Yes you!

Tonight Johny, Kent and I are going to  a screening of the Big Lebowski at a local brewery.  Since my brother has been here Kent and I have been out more times than we had the entire 9 months we’ve lived here.  It’s been fun and has allowed us both to blow off some much needed steam, I think.  Although when my family gets together we don’t do anything halfway including blowing off steam.  It’s simultaneously made me nostalgic for the days of no responsibilities and aware that I am too old to handle blowing off quite so much steam quite so often.

Crazy things we have seen and done:

Guy on guy fellatio in an otherwise very mainstream bar

Karaoke night

Many, many good films from my brothers DVD collection

Stayed up until 4(!) singing and playing guitar (there may have been beer involved as well I’ll never tell)

One tequila shot

He leaves on Monday and I’m going to be really sad when he does.  It took us this long to convince him to get on a plane and god only knows when he’ll make his way back.  Here’s to you bubby.

Yesterday was my first trip to the acupuncturist.  I wasn’t nervous at all until 10 minutes before my brother said something like “ew you’re going to have needles sticking out of your face”.  Thanks little brother.

During the appointment which took about an hour he went over some more Chinese medicine stuff then had me lie on the table and stuck me 18 times.  2 in each ear, 2 between my eyes, 2 in each arm, 2 in each hand and 2 in each leg.  Most of the needles I never felt at all.  A couple were irritating while he was inserting them, then felt like nothing soon after.  When he was finished he said “OK, I’m going to let you relax for about 30 minutes”.  I got to relax alone for 30 minutes.  Can I get a hallelujah?  The only unpleasant part of the experience was when my finger twitched and moved a nerve that was next to one of the needles.  That hurt like hell but only for a few moments.  It wasn’t as bad as a piercing or tattoo in any case.

The entire space is decorated like a spa.  There are low lights, fountains, an actual massage room, and relaxing music playing.  The only thing that could give it away is the shelves of jars with Chinese medicinal stuff in them.  Even that is well lit and quite beautiful to look at.

Directly after he took the needles out I felt a bit nauseous.  That subsided after about 5 minutes.  Emotionally I felt the tiniest bit more centered and calm.  However I’m not sure if I can attribute that to the 30 minutes of complete relaxation or the acupuncture.  I also noticed right away that the ringing I’ve had in my ears since my strep throat episode last winter, had vanished.  It’s amazing how irritating that incessant ringing can be.  It’s come back a couple of times since, but only for a few seconds then it’s gone again.  I haven’t had heartburn yet today even after wine last night and coffee this morning.

I’m optimistic that this is going to help.

Leave it to my mom to turn a part time job into a mission for greatness.  Seems like everyone wants to know about it.