Kathryn. Real.

Yesterday was without a doubt the most challenging day I have had so far as a parent.  The depressing thing is that there wasn’t any one thing I can point to that made it that way.  Ellis was just fussy all day.  Not screaming, not every second upset, but just irritated about something.  I tried everything in my arsenal to get him to snap out of it and nothing worked.  I take that back twice when I sang the Hokey Poky he smiled.  But unless I want to shake it all about all day I need a better solution.  He’s not sick, he’s just not happy.  It’s worrying me because it’s like he’s a different kid all of the sudden.  I thought it might be the tea I’d been drinking but this morning he’s the same and I haven’t had any in over 24 hours.

His being like that made every other thing that much more challenging.  If the dogs needed my attention it was doubly frustrating trying to appease them and Ellis at the same time.  When I had to make a phone call it was doubly frustrating because as soon as the other person picked up he started to cry.  It’s like he had radar or something. Going to the post office felt impossibly difficult, and he felt so heavy I had a hard time carrying him.  With every tiny challenge I crumbled into dispair for a second thinking I. Can’t. Do. This.  Then somehow pulled myself back together to trudge on because I can’t indulge in a breakdown.

By the time 5 came around and I called Kent to make sure he wasn’t working late (because my head might have actually exploded) I was barely keeping it together.  Two seconds after we hung up I saw the puddle of poop on the floor that Ellis was tap dancing in while he "jumped", and I just started crying.  Which of course did no good and just made me feel more inadequate because I couldn’t even handle something so small.  Even now it doesn’t feel like I can handle another day like yesterday.

Thankfully Kent took pity on me and whisked the boy off for some guy errands at Home Depot and the local nursery.  I was able to detach my shoulders from my ears a bit although truth be told they still remain dangerously close to re-attaching at any moment. 

Before I became a mother I had a vague idea of how tough it must be for single parents.  Now I bow down before them in awe.

(more…)

We have been really lucky in the baby sleep department.  For the last couple of weeks Ellis has started putting himself to bed around 9 every night.  If we’re holding him he falls asleep, if we’re playing he starts to fuss letting us know it’s time to put him in the pack-n-play.  This means that I crash for a couple of hours before waking up to feed him at midnight.   Then a couple of more before he eats around 4.  Then we’re up for the day at 7. 

For the last couple of nights he’s changed his schedule.  He still goes to sleep around 9, but then he wakes up around 10:30 screaming for food and THEN SLEEPS FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.  Last night he slept from 10:30 until 6am.  Me?  My boobs woke me up at 4 in a panic.  "Hey woman" they said.  "Your son is starving. We’re doing our part, wake that kid up and make him eat."  And I said "Shut up boobs he’s not starving he’s fine and I am NOT waking him up when I have a chance to sleep a little more."  "Oh reeeaaaalllyyy", they said;  "You’re sure he’s not deathly ill?  Why else would he not wake up for food?  You can refuse to wake him up but we’re going to make sure you don’t get another restful wink lady."

And they made good on that threat.  I woke up with every little movement he made so I could jump into action when he woke up screaming from starvation.  At 6 he barely stirred and I saw my chance.  I scooped him up and changed his diaper all the while expecting him to start screaming bloody murder.  Of course he wasn’t starving, he was just fine.  I on the other hand had soaked two heavy flow breast pads and my boobs were so hard I had to express a bit just so he could get a good latch.

I guess if he continues sleeping through the night (oh please Lord let it happen) my boobs will get the message.  Until then, I’m getting out the pump.

(more…)

Before noon today I have:

Fed the baby twice,

made eggs, toast and tea for breakfast,

washed my face and brushed my teeth (something that usually doesn’t happen until after 1),

walked 2 miles (more than I’ve walked at one time in probably over a year),

returned emails,

and typed this entry,

I should get 6 hours of sleep in a row every night.

(more…)

Last night while trying to fall back asleep after the 2am feeding, I came to a realization.  Motherhood has changed me in the most subtle yet profound ways.  Ways I didn’t even realize until I started to examine it more closely. 

I have become exponentially more confidant.  I think this comes from my great confidence in my ability to nurture my son.  He is still dependant on my body to survive, and I love knowing that I can easily provide the nourishment he needs.  And on a completely superficial level, seeing my long hated nose on his face makes me recognize it’s beauty. 

My first reaction to world politics or even the local news isn’t how these things will affect me, but how they will affect him.  In the car if someone is driving recklessly around me I am first concerned about his safety, then others including myself.  It’s not even something I think about, it just is.  I find myself picturing the wreck happening and the steps I would take to make sure he is safe, just to be prepared.  I take walks not purely for my own enjoyment, but so that I can teach him new things along the way.  The other day at Half Priced Books I bought "Buddhist Teachings", and "The Koran", because I want to learn about all kinds of religions simply so that I can teach Ellis about each of them.

There are a million other every day examples of how his existence has changed me for the better.  At my core I am a much more open and optimistic person since he was born.

Then there is the guilt. 

Now, I’ve watched enough Oprah to know that to truly be the best mother to Ellis and partner to Kent I have to take the necessary steps to nurture myself as well.  Joking aside, that does make sense to me.  I never thought it would be something that I would have difficulty with.  I suppose I underestimated my ability to beat myself up. 

Mommy guilt rears it’s ugly head at the most simple of tasks.  Taking time in the shower to shave your legs?  Bad mommy you should cut that shower time and go engage your baby.  Letting him watch baby Einstein just so you have to extra time to dry your hair?  Bad mommy letting the TV be a babysitter.  Spending a little extra money on a hair cut this month?  Bad mommy you should be spending any extra pennies on the baby.  Taking time to blog while he sits in his bouncer next to you awake?  Bad mommy he’s awake you should be reading to him, doing tummy time, letting him bat at his baby gym.  Is he sleeping just because he’s bored or because he’s tired?  You should focus 100% attention on him to make sure he’s not sleeping just because he’s bored.  Putting him in his swing just so you can have a small break?  Bad mommy.  A real mom wouldn’t need a break.  It’s a vicious cycle.  And I’m not even getting into the guilt I feel for not getting things done around the house because I’m focusing so much attention on the baby.  (yes I know I need to let that go.  any ideas on how?)

I’m not sure this is something that everyone experiences.  Kent is perfectly OK with letting Ellis hang out in the bouncer while he gets other things done.  He seems better able to put him down at night and not jump up at every other squeak.  (He’s still in our bed, but we put him in the pack-n-play which is in the living room with us around 9 when he falls asleep.)  Maybe it’s the necessary two parent balance.   

Is mommy guilt an entirely bad phenomenon?  On some level does it help drive me to become a better mother?  I’m not sure.  I suspect the difference is in the way one reacts to it.  That’s something I’m still figuring out.

Next month Ellis and I are flying to Canada to see CanaMa and La Fairie Godmother. I’ll be on a 4+ hour flight with a 3 month old. Has anyone out there flown with an infant? I’m thinking it’s not going to be a fun experience on my own.

Movable Type Publishing Platform

Our DVR cut off Lost literally at the best part. The is he or isn’t he guy was eating cereal and sayng “of course, if I was one of them, I would draw a map to a secluded area…” And then it freaking STOPPED. Does anyone know what happened?

Yahoo! Small Business - Web Hosting

I think I’m in love with Movable Type.  This has so much more flexibility than blogger it’s amazing.  Of course I’m paying 12 bucks a month to have yahoo host my site now.  But I’m hoping it becomes worth my while as a learning tool.  I’m going to teach myself how to make at least a decent looking site.  Maybe not Flash, maybe not animated or fancy or anything, but my very own.  Even then I think I’ll stay blogging here.  How else can one who makes no money off of their website afford to use Movable Type?  I’m still figuring out how to add links to my sidebar and all that good stuff.  They’re badly in need of updating anyway.

Hey looky there, I just wrote an entire paragraph that didn’t mention my son.  

Have I mentioned that we’ve decided to cloth diaper after all?  We figured out that we’d be paying about half the cost of disposables in a 6 month period.  Plus, they’re cute!  And they double as swimming diapers in the summer.   

I always wondered how people do this…

(more…)